I SEE YOU SEEING ME

I see you seeing me, in my Imperfection, I see you judging me for my misdirection, 
Watching from beyond my reach,  stricken with shock , as you ponder my differences , my short comings, 
My lack of realistic earnings, 
Scrutinizing this surface, this shell I built to hide from you, 
To stop you seeing me, so I never see you , considering my inequities, 
Yet, I see you seeing me, 

I see you seeing me, the creation that I am, born from a mother , that is this environment you have built around me, 
Dragged out of self, moulded into various shapes, as I let the clay of my very soul be reconfigured , over and over , 
Hoping to see a difference , in the way I see you seeing me, still all you see is me the incomplete, taking delight In the way you see me seeing you, yes, 
I see you too, not to be you , but just to be with you, 

I see you seeing me, you revel in watching me cry, writhing in pain as my insides die, 
Yes, I die on the inside, poisoned by unseen rage, mutilated ego, bruised by your condescendence, unappreciated hero, unapplauded  glories, under-looked victories , as I swing my sword of struggle , hoping but for a smile, a reward so humble,  yet, upon your horse , you highly sit,  though you see me, never do our gazes meet,  
Stare me down as plague, as curse, and as I move forward , all I meet is defeat,

So to hide this unchangeable illness that I am, I will reach out, grab and drown the sun, in the water of my tears, till the surrounding darkness hides all my fears, 
But we have been taught better than to conjure the blindness of the night, 
Told instead to reach deep into our hearts, and expose the golden light that we are, 
So I bow my head, to reach into me, and bring forth the best of me, the bright shiny fire I truly am, as I raise it to find you, I realize you are gone, 

Now I don't see you seeing me, in my imperfection, 
Nor do I see you judging me, for my hopeless misdirection, 
For in this brightness I now find myself, you no longer are there, 
And will never see me seeing you, for the perfect imperfection that you also are...

Written by J.S.

Photo by/Artist: Khadijah Mutoka